Visitors

Today a friend came to visit me with her young son in tow. It was wonderful seeing her. Also the trimmer girls came to do the ponies feet - I usually keep them in trim myself but with my leg being bad thanks to Jasper stomping on me, and my TN not being great, I'd let it slip. Doughnut needed his feet properly set up as well. They were good and it was a lovely sociable day.

I get so tired by socialising though I find it a fair payoff - chances are I'll be sore tomorrow, and I'm bloomin sore now, but I don't care.

I am so frustrated with the fatigue and muscle weakness though - the pain is bad enough on its own, but added to the fatigue it makes it that much harder to bear. Having been a strong active person all my life, I find such physical constraint very hard to come to terms with. My overwhelming fear is that this feebleness with result in my having to re-home the ponies. Horses are sine qua non as far as my life is concerned, and I can't imagine carrying on, or living a functional life without them. The chance that it will take 3 years to fight for the DBS is frustrating and sad, as if I carry on getting worse at the rate I am now, I'll be too feeble to handle them at all, even wee little Doughnut.

But hey - we are all learning clicker training together - I want to work now while I can to make Cirrus as handlible as possible, both for me and other people (he has a habit of dis-respecting other people who are not me - he's a bugger!) So I'm not just wringing my hands over the possibilities.

I am determined to find the good stuff in every moment - sometimes it is so very hard, and I would like to just have a holiday from the pain and the mental hard work, but I steer those thoughts away from the front of my mind, and look at nice things.

Like the Cheltenham Festival in 3 weeks! Yey. Tomorrow I'm spending the day with a good friend at her house and we are going to watch last year's Cheltenham that she has had on her Sky+ all year, waiting for us to watch it! I find it hard going to other people's houses and feel very vulnerable, but my good friends are very sympathetic and I don't feel silly or rude if I have to have a break, sleep or rush home. Of course I can't drive being on stupid amount of drugs, and this friend is coming all the way to pick me up.

I'm a very lucky person as I have some wonderful beautiful friends, and I am very grateful for them every day.

Niki xxx